Friends

I saw the sunset.The big red....
It quickly sank like a small sparkler firework that falls quickly, but it had a clear brightness to it.
The color was really beautiful. It was the color of an apple. Y-ko-chan and I said "Isn't it so pretty?" to each other and we're speechless after that. We saw a trail of an airplane shining in the red sunset.
I think Y-ko-chan is a really good person.
When I told her I wanted to study at her house, she strictly said no. I was so sure that she was going to say yes.
If I was in her shoes, I wouldn't be able to turn her down, and I wouldn't be able to study at my own pace, later regretting that I had said yes.
Basically, I lack self-control.
If I said that my physical handicap and my self-control is connected, would that be considered an excuse?
It makes me happy that there is someone that can say what they think and that there is someone who listens to what you have to say.
Friends treat each other equally so I'm grateful.
S-chan told me, "I started reading because of you."
That made me feel happy. It's okay if I feel that I wasn't just a trouble to my friends...right?
"Aya-chan, you were crying alot that one time remember? You were so cute."
"Really? Wow... no one has ever told me that before. But I saw myself in the mirror when I was crying before...and that wasn't a pretty sight."
"Well, I didn't see your face. The way you cried was cute."
"Haha that was harsh!"
What was cute wasn't my face, but the atmosphere I gave when I was crying. We both laughed.
Friends are so cool. I wanna be with them forever.

Hi everyone~ yes long time no see.... long time no update...I'm so sorry!!! Well summer vacation started for me but I'm gonna be working (TmT) So I can't promise an update everyday, but I'll try my best!!!

-Kiwi

About my future

My mom and I talked about my future.
According to my mom, "Unlike people who cannot see or are handicapped, the things you were able to do before doesn't leave your mind. You think hard about why you can't do it anymore, and your emotions come out. So it always starts with the struggle with your mind. Even if  others may view it merely as a machine-like radio exercise, its actually a struggle with your mind, it's a training. Aya, I think that as long as you live every day to its fullest, you'll have a future. Aya, you cry alot, and when I see you cry, I feel so sorry. But looking at reality, you have to understand where you are right now and make your life full, or else you'll never live with your feet on the ground. Mom and your siblings will help you with things you absolutely cannot do. But when we talk about our opinions, or argue we're straight forward aren't we? That's because we think of you as a real live normal person and a sister. So take it as words full of love that will help you grow stronger mentally. This is a training as well,  so that you will be able to go on when someone tells you something that stabs you in the heart. You learn love, and love what you know...basically you're surrounded by love and knowledge as the name of the place where you were born, Aichi-ken."
As I listened and took in the fact of my illness, I thought I should start thinking about my future.
"I want to be a librarian. To do that, I wanna go to college. Then I can get a degree as a social worker..."
"It'll be hard to go out. You should think about something you can do at home. For example, translating."
"I wanna write a novel , but my life in society is pretty poor so I guess that won't work."
"You can decide that later, but for now do what you can do right now, and put the effort! yes the effort."
"Okay, I guess the only thing I can rely on is my scholastic ability."

Sorry I know it's been a while since my last update...hehe Well school i almost over for me so hopefully updates will come faster then (^^)v So this entry might have been a  lil confusing...the use of words were kinda hard to translate but yah feel free to ask me anytime (>v<)// A little sidenote... The place where Aya was born, Aichi-ken is made up of two kanji characters, ai(love) and shiru(to know). so that's what her mom was referrring to.

-Kiwi

The evil 13th

I rode the bus from the gate of the school. I had to switch onto another bus so I got off at Asahibashi, crossed the sreet, and walked to the next bus stop. The light turned green. It's sprinkling. An elementary school boy shared his umbrella with me. I tried to walk fast trying to keep up with his pace. All of a sudden, I fell flat forward. Blood flowed from my mouth and stained the wet asphalt in red. There was so much blood gushing out, that I became worried that I might die, and started crying. The lady from the bakery in the corner of the steet rushed out and helped me get up. She let me inside and wiped my mouth with a towel. She took me inside  her car and drove me to a nearby hospital. She saw my student notebook, so she called the school for me and my teacher came. After the treatment, my teacher took me home. Lady from the bakery, teacher, thank you.

Aya's lip was swollen and her 3 front teeth were broken and gone. When I touch it with my hankerchief, it still stains in red. I'm a "girl." My 3 big front teeth are gone, and now I look ugly.
My illness is worse than cancer!
It stole the beauty of my youth.
If I didn't have this weird illness, I could have had a love life...I just want someone to rely on.
I just can't take this anymore!

Kaoru no Kimi ([To my brother...]Ikeda Riyoko) said "I love you!" and left the person he loved. Do I not have the freedom to love or be loved by somone?
In my dream, I can walk, run, and move freely... In reality, I can't do any of that.
When I read the part where Nanako starts to run, it makes me think how much I wish I can do that. Is this servile?

I slept a whole day thinking about when I fell. K-ko-san called me asking "Are you okay?" It made me happy. I probably have to be absent for a while.

I woke up at 7:30. My sister Ako-chan is going to Nagoya. She looked so cute that I kinda sulked.
It's good to wake up early. I got to eat the  last cream puff. It was so good with the cream spreading through the inside of my mouth. It's hard to eat without my front teeth. I had to hold my mouth close  to keep it from coming out.
I have to start going to the dentist from tomorrow. I want to hurry and be the old Aya again. I put the mirror away, which used to be on my desk.

I was reading a knitting book with my mom. This white dress that my mom used to knit for me when I was little was on there. "Mom, did you read this and make it?"
"Yupp, remember how you wore this on New Years with a pretty hair band and took a picture in front of the front door?"
If I was healthy, we would be talking happily saying "Oh yah~ back then..." but it would get upsetting so we ended the conversation there.

Yes another update (^^)// I'm think the part with "Kaoru no Kimi ([To my brother...]Ikeda Riyoko)" was a lil confusing huh? well, Kaoru no Kimi is a character from a book called "To my brother..." by Ikeda Riyoko. Nanako is also a character from the book as well. hope this made it a lil easier to understand? hehe

-Kiwi

2nd Semester

My mom's teaching: It's okay to be slow, it's ok to make mistakes, the important thing is to try your best.
I wanted to say, I'm always serious! My behavior may be....but when it comes to my inside... i felt a little sting.
After the opening ceremony, my mom and my teacher had a conference.
1. Although the treatment during the hospitalization helped me a little, recovery is difficult, since it is a complicated illness.
2. My mom asked for consideration for I might trouble people around me when I walk from one class to the next, and that problems may rise, but to let me do as much as I can.

My mom's idea.
1. To take the textbook apart and only bring the necessary pages. Take only one notebook and put tabs, to separate the subjects.
2. Change my school bag to a backpack.
3. To take the taxi to school, because the rush hours in the morning is dangerous. For going home, I have to choose to either take the bus or the taxi, depending on my condition.
"Don't do anything rash. I already talked to the taxi company, so you don't have to pay any money," said my mom.
Gosh, how much of a money eater bug am I going to be...I cause so much trouble, I'm sorry.

Another update (^^)// Alot of questions were asked about whether Aya already knows about her illness or not...I think that she knows she has some kind of disease but she doesn't know the actual name yet, because she hasn't mentioned it in the diary~ that's my guess, so I'm not 100% sure lol

-Kiwi

Research

1) Test. I had to move my hands according to the song, twinkle twinkle little star.
Before getting my shot R(right) 12 times L(left) 17 times
3 mins after my shot R(right) 18 times L(left) 22 times
5 mins after my shot R(right) 18 times L(left) 21 times

2) Rehabilitation
   1. I had to stand on my hands and knees.
   I had to move my body by keeping my balance(like making half a circle)
   [rotating my pelvis]
   I had to bend my leg, rotate my pelvis, then go on my hands, rotate my pelvis again, and then lift up my hands.
   *I'm not supposed to let my feet go, and my shoulder blade isn't suppose to move inwardly.
   2. Reflex movement
   As soon as I lift my leg, I have to catch my body with my hands. This will help me when I fall.
   *My shoulder blades moved inwardly, and my weight pulls me back.
   3.Exercising by swinging my hands
   I have to swing my hands back and forth and watch how my pelvis moves.
   When my right hand is in the front= my right pelvis has to go back
   When my right hand goes back= my right pelvis has to come forward.

So basically, I have to alternate my hands and feet when I walk. For me...
When my right hand is in the front= my right pelvis goes back
When my right hand goes back= my right pelvis goes back

This is weird. Both my leg and hand goes back at the same time.

   4.After standing on my legs and knees, I have to stand on my knees alone.
   5.Making it right. I had to lean back my shoulders and straighten my body by lining up my knees with my spine.
   6.I had to practice crawling.
   Putting my right hand out->Putting my left feet out->Putting my left hand out->Putting my right feet out
   I have to keep my legs straight when I put it out.
   Walking normal is a really hard thing...
   7.Getting up

  
Dr. Yamamoto said to me, "A boy named K-kun is going to be hospitalized from today. He has a similar illness as you."
I passed by him in the hallway.
He was skinny and seemed to be in the 6th or 7th grade. He looked like an innocent and cheerful boy, who didn't seem to let his illness bother him.
I told him inside my heart, "I hope the shot will help you. Get better soon."

After getting the shot, I got a headache and became nauseous, but maybe because the medicine is actually working, or I'm getting used to it, there is less pain.
They recorded my voice. I wonder if they're testing my throat and tongue.

Rehabilitation is very important! That's what Dr. Yamamoto said. I knew I had to try my best, but it was really hard. I'm not normal...mom, I could almost cry.
We went up to the roof again and they took pictures of me with the 16mm camera. My body felt miserable.
PT. Kawabashi, I can only walk like a robot. This is sad. While we rested, PT. Kawabashi told me one of his childhood stories.
"I peed on a teacher's head from the roof and got beaten up." Wow...that's a dynamic prank... I can't do the same, but this feeling of wanting to do something, boiled up inside me. He also told me the trick to catching a cicada(both female) that's on a tree. He called the cicada's shedding of the skin, semi-nude! I thought to myself... I guess he's a guy too.

I got a fever. 102 degrees. Am I going to die? No! I can't lose to an illness! I miss my mom and family.
Man~ every time I try to take a step forward this always happens! It seems like this mental and physical unbalance is gonna last forever. I'm scared of getting old. I'm only 16 years old.

I only have couple more shots to go. Then I'll finally be able to get out of the hospital...supposedly.
Usually, it's a happy thing but it's different with me. When I first started the shots, I suffered from the side effects(nausea/headaches). My doctor said that the shots helped, but my expectation of being able to walk as I used to, doesn't seem like it was met. Now I have another notebook to keep other than my school diary... the notebook for physically handicapped people. My illness is where the cerebellum's cell takes over me physically, making it hard for me to move, and this illness was discovered about one hundred years ago.
Why did the illness choose me?
The word fate isn't a good enough explanation!

Hi everyone! Sorry for the really late update (^^;) I'm sorry if this translation is hard to understand~ I think it's gonna get harder as she uses more medical terms lol Anyways~ on a side note... a cicada is a insect. In Japan, kids go bug catching in the summer and cicada is one of the common insects that kids like to catch.

-Kiwi